The days are moving along, and I usually wonder how I got myself into this situation, where each part of the day is punctuated by some child or other's tears, laments and screams.  I have to stop myself, and remember to speak to the nice person struggling inside this, seemingly, manic, and most certainly confused person.  I think that if I keep speaking to that person, that is the person that will emerge on the farther shore of their strife, and struggle.

Those fine boys do live in my home and I do sit with those reasonable people, from time to time.  I hope that these boys become those interesting and collaborative people in their future, for their most part.  I am looking forward in my response to them, looking forward to confident men who can understand compassion, and true acceptance of all people, regardless of their appearance, and purely on the "content of their character".

As I look forward, I am also mindful to drink in the moment of the now.  It won't be long before knowing the finest moments of living with toddlers and small little men will be a memory, nearly unfathomable.  I have always tried to be mindful of the fleeting nature of time, and the permanence of family.  We will always be a family, but we won't always be so young.  I try to remember that getting older is not the goal, but getting better is what is important.  Getting better means understanding one another better, trusting one another better, caring for one another better, enjoying the company of one another better.

In getting better, I have to be mindful that little kids' freak-outs are not directed at me, per se. It is directed at a lost expectation, that seemingly small to myself, is intrinsic to their understanding of fairness and equality.   In getting better, I have to remember that these days, these busy days, will be a memory of fondness, and love that begins to slip into the fog of time gone by.

I finally got there.  I got to the place that I remember relaxed dads of my childhood.  I was upset about all the strife and confusion that goes on in this house.  In the end, all the kids go to bed or are all happy enough and then drop off.  Sure all that insanity is coming back when they wake up, but here, in the eddy of their needs is where the dad lives.  It's always that same eddy, and it is never going away.  It is in my back pocket.  Always.  It may not be around the next bend or the next, but it's coming along.  Every day, the eddy is there and I can float on my back, just carried in this crazy circle, around and around and around, day, after day , after day.

The idea, I've realized is that they either bore of you or fall asleep.  In that time, you have time to reflect, prepare and redirect.  It's a nice place to be. 

Skiing

I managed to take the winter off and focus on teaching the biggest kid to ski.  He tried it last year for a few days and took to it, so I dropped a bundle of cash and got him some gear and us some season's passes at the local hill.  The local hill is middling at best, but a great place for learning.  I thought that I would get very bored very quickly, but is interesting following a kid around as he learns to go faster and faster, better and better.

The upcoming holidays, as every holiday, we have to go north to see relatives in the north.  This trip instead of sitting around doing sweet F.A. the whole time, me and the kid are going to to a proper ski hill.  We can ski on the same slope that we saw the Olympic men's Giant Slalom skiers compete on.

Should we have kids?

As I meet with friends along with my filthy, cacophonous parasites - my kids, I am sometimes asked, "Should we have kids?" I don't weigh the merits or detriments to my decision to have kids daily, but I would say that it is a recurring, weekly thought.  The answer for me, now, is like a ship at sea.

The ship is a marriage, or lasting relationship. You've gone ahead, prepared, and stocked, and now you're a ship at sea.  You're a ship at sea, but where are you going? Nowhere.  Anywhere.  You know...

So now, you figure, "This voyage needs a purpose," and you create a purpose by bringing a child into the world.   So, your child arrives and you quickly realize that this child is a massive leak in your boat.  That is what a child in your life is: a massive leak on your boat.  You had a perfectly good ship, and in your ambition to do more, you're taking on water.

As this realization sinks in, and you get better at keeping the boat above water, besides the never-ending leak, (ie. child), you begin to feel confident, and think, "We already know how to handle a leak, let's have a second one."  Why not?  If you already have one, you really should have two."

Well, this second one is not a simple compound to your existing leak.  This is a scenario from Joseph Conrad's short story, Youth.  The boat is leaking, but when the second one comes along, it's not another leak.  The massive load of coal that you have quietly forgotten in the holds blows sky-high.  That's your second kid.  First you were stressed trying to keep the water out, now you're pumping it back in again to put out the never-ending fire that the explosion of the second child caused.  Now, you pump water in, put out the fire, pump water out, pump water in, put out the fire, pump water out, incessantly. Unlike Conrad's story, there are no dinghies to escape in, and you are out to sea, pumping and dousing, and pumping or perish. 

I am this wretched sailor now, and the way I find strength to continue the futility is to understand that if I half-ass my job now, in this very real, metaphorical situation, it could get worse, it could change, but surely isn't getting better.

That is what I do now.  I put all my emotion and energy into this redundant cycle.  I work through this impossible situation, mindful that if I am aware, keeping an eye and ear out for all permeations of this catastrophe, I might be able to build a structure upon which to land a happy group of people.

Currently there is a lot of sailor-talk and calamity on my part, and I try to limit that, but I am head-to-toe with salt, sweat and soot, and that's just the metaphor!  The reality of what I'm head-to-toe with is more varied and worse.  So, I'm weary, dirty and ignited, but I have hope and a heading.

The question, "Should we have kids?" is actually wondering if you want to take a slow sail through nothing, or take a long, long sail through utter chaos.  Either choice has its benefits; both choices will crush a part of your soul.  The real question in the end is; "Now that I have attached myself to this person for the rest of my life, how am I going to survive humanity?"

The School Finishes

I have had a ton of hassle getting the on-line grading systen to work  It was quite annoying lust looking at the cursor spinning around and around, while the systen crashed over and over,  I had to go into the office over and over to sort out all different problems,  It is the last day for any changes to be made, so it is ,,, hopefully over,

Incidentally, the little boy spilled ink into the keyboard, and now the full-stop and the button for the letter that comes after 'n' is busted,  I have to use a conna for a full stop and an "n" instead of this letter that I can no longer type, but sometimes, I can use auto-correct,

I an heading over to a friend's coworker's house to do sone slot-car racing    This guy has a full set up, and it is possible to do qualifying and a full race    It is super cool       Then on Sunday, it is the annual polar-bear swin at the beach       It is usually pretty fun,